Tuesday, January 5, 2010
"The rainbows of life follow the storms"
On New Years Eve I was inspired to draw this on our chalkboard. It is a family portrait of sorts. We have been in our current home for two years, the longest time period that we have ever been anywhere since my oldest daughter who is about to turn seven was born. We do not consider ourselves to be the gypsy type but have found ourselves moving almost every year for some reason. Sometimes because of finances....sometimes because the neighborhood in question wasn't so safe. We consider ourselves very lucky to be in the beautiful home that we have now. My husband and I are both artists and we are able to eek out a living on what we love to do but a bank doesn't always like our numbers so buying a home was not something we thought we would ever be able to do. My mother generously offered to sell us her coastal home when she bought a new home in the mountains and we couldn't turn her down on this offer....it was pretty much the only way we would ever be able to buy a home. She didn't cut us a break on the price but she financed it for us as an amazing rate when no bank would ever talk to us. Now two years into owning our own home and we are finding ourselves again wanting to move for various reasons. One reason is that we had no idea how isolated we would feel moving away from the city into what is referred to around here as the"boonies". We live only 45 minutes to an hour away from the city where we lived before but no one will visit us because it is too far to drive. We are finding that to sell my pottery and art anywhere other than online my husband is having to go to the big city for the farmers markets and other events and we can't afford to all go together (it would take two cars) to fit everything. The real kicker is that a traumatic event happened to one of my children in the neighborhood and has left us feeling very angry and even further isolated in trying to keep to ourselves to keep the kids safe. I am juggling a lot of emotions about how to handle our situation right now. The mama bear in me wants to lash out. I want to feel comfortable in my own home and neighborhood again but I'm not sure how to handle it all. I know that this is where we have to be for now because of the simple fact that we can't afford to move....we have checked into selling and we couldn't get enough out of the property right now to pay off the mortgage in full. Part of me feels like we can't afford not to move for the psychological state of my family but I see no way out at present. So I find myself everyday trying to love where we are at. I am trying to put as much energy and love into not only the land and the physical home itself as possible but also to just reassure my children of the love that we have for each other as a family. There is so much more jumbled up in my heart and my brain right now battling it out for who will be on top when all I want is some kind of balance or peaceful resolution. So in greeting the new year I knew that I had to try to at least come to some kind of peace with being here.
It is as simple as the saying "Grow where you are planted....with love all things bloom!" This has become my mantra. For now our roots are planted here and with enough love we can grow as a family and bloom.
I have drawn our family inside of what is like an onion or flower bulb. The outer layers can be peeled away to reveal the fragrant, ripe goodness that is inside. Cammy has talked often as of late about how we might all have a little bit of fairy inside of all of us so I drew fairy wings on everyone. The layers of the bulb are like rainbows....inspired by a saying I read somewhere long ago. "The rainbows of life follow the storms." This sums it up. I know that there is light and love available to us here despite some of the difficulties and trauma we have suffered. We are taking all the steps (counseling etc.) to make sure that our family comes through this whole and capable of loving our neighbors still. I want my children to feel empowered and strong...not like victims. We have to take advantage of all that we do have here and focus our energies moving forward on thriving here for now. I know that we can and am looking forward to seeing just how much we can overcome our discomfort with this place and much we can bloom.